What this is about

Believing in yourself and surfing positive waves is one thing. Finding stability in the midst of miserable circumstances and heaviness is another. The latter happened while I was writing this multi-part series. Find out how I tried to deal with it and see if there’s anything of value in it for you.

Recap

The last chapter was about resting and doing less, and funnily enough, both have become necessary since then. Waves of unpleasant moods, anxiety and uncertainty came over me. I was reminded that I’m not always in the driver seat deciding where to go, but that I was being steered around as a passenger.

This is about expressing your frustration first and consequently and calmly reclaiming the driver’s seat.

The background story to the following letter

Unpleasant feelings or scenarios feel even more intense when you’re fully trapped or getting swept away by them. That’s what happened to me. I couldn’t be calm, and I didn’t want to be. All I wanted to express were raw emotions – despair, disappointment, sadness, anger, among others – to appropriately address and counter what I have felt.

So I wrote a letter to the heaviness I felt. How that went down and what I have learned from it – as well as what all that has to do with emotions, your energy in your body and the possibility to dance with it –  well, keep reading!

This is for you, when you do work on yourself, you are on the right journey and you can be proud of yourself but whatever you want to call it – this time I called it heaviness – makes you feel like 

• you’re not making progress.
• you’re not doing it right.
• you should give up.

Because nope, we’re not buying into that. To hell with that.

Dear heaviness

I woke up today and you were there with me. Again. Like yesterday, and the day before. And the day before that day. So here I am with you, and you with me. I guess we’re spending time with each other again, right? And it seems like I don’t really have a choice..

And you don’t waste any time to be present this morning, laying heavy in my head and infusing it with your thoughts. Having found comfort in my heart, you embrace it with all your gravity.

So many nice words to say that I feel like shit

Your message is clear – I’ve woken up and this day shall be over. But wait, I’ve been here before and I know your hand. I’ve seen it so many times, and I’ve seen myself struggling with it as well.

Today it started with regular tiredness in my body that you interpreted as if I had a terrible and unrestful sleep. It continued with these fucking unnecessary thoughts of you doubting my existence. As stupid as they sounded, as harsh did you punch them in my face.

By making me feel heavy and blocked on my chest, you finally convinced me to believe you and go down your dark path of self-doubt, fear and anxiety.

Oh how much I hate you for that

A lot of people would probably love to jump in right now and tell me that I shouldn’t say these harsh words and learn to embrace you, but

a.) they’re not in my position right now and don’t know how not only burdened, but annoyed and pissed off I am by your presence, and

b.) I’m not sure if being soft and cosy with you from the get go is the right way to deal with you.

You keep asking me all the classic questions

• Will you ever wake up without my presence feeling great and unbeatable and ready to take on the world?
• How long are you on this journey again, my friend?
• Shouldn’t you already be further down the line?
• What actually prevents you from having a gentle and content random Monday morning?
• You’ve already tried so many things, isn’t that worrisome?
• You’ll never get over the hump, mhh?

Wow, all these questions and I’m only awake for like 10 minutes.

Outside support vs. your heaviness

All these people who tell me to be strong, but also gentle and soft with what I feel? Even if they’re smarter or more experienced in dealing with you, dear heaviness, what does that help me right now? Exactly. It doesn’t help me at all.

Words of encouragement from others bounce off me, and they can’t come from myself because I’m already too deep in your reality. I’ve been swept away, and recognising that hurts. It hurts to realise that I’ve already been overrun while you’re just starting your routine.

You keep asking me more questions:

• What would you do if you were stable enough to live with or without me?
• What could you do if you didn’t have to worry about your balance, but could simply give in to your hopes and dreams?
• Does it hurt to feel small and weak, knowing that you could theoretically conquer the world if it wasn’t for my own doing that keeps you, well, small and weak?
• If we were to count our previous encounters, how many times have I beaten you?

Wow, the big guns.

All I wanted was to wake up and go for a surf

Out in the water, you stayed with me. First time surfing at a new beach is never easy, but the shitty conditions and you by my side didn’t help. I guess it was easy for you to short-circuit my brain into fight or flight mode as I tried to escape the impact zone and paddled into waves that appeared to be bigger and bigger than they actually were.

I thought I could leave you at the shore, use this heaviness inside my body to propel myself into the water and paddle the shit out of it trying to catch a few waves.

Well, today I was not in the driver’s seat. I was the passenger. Within these internal waves. Surrounded by these massive real life waves. You came along, but I guess you worried too .. that we were too heavy out there .. so you took my confidence and peacefulness and threw them overboard.

One of the worst surfing experiences I have ever had.

Honestly, fuck you.

Now I’m back on land

Having dried up from a pretty intense surf session and 3 bowls of steaming vegetable soup later: I’m in a safe and calm environment again. Let’s talk, and let me ask you a few questions.

• What do you actually want from me?
• Is this constant doubting and destabilising necessary?
• Isn’t it enough for you that I’m working on myself?
• And even if I’m not, why can’t you acknowledge the fact there is no fucking reason to bug me in the first place because I’m good the way I am?
• What’s the value of your existence anyway?

What’s the endgame here? Because I’d like to live my life without the constant worry, fear and anxiety that shit is wrong, that I am out of place, that I am too much or too little, that I’ve all these fucking stupid thoughts and feelings in my bones that actually have nothing. N O T H I N G. to do with myself, but with you?

Just give me a break

Give me a break telling me that you’re here to keep me alive. That all you do is check in to see how stable and confident I am with myself. Give me a break about befriending you and starting to see the messages and impulses instead of the heaviness and the pain.

Just shut the fuck up for once. I don’t need you, and you don’t need me. You need yourself and a person who is willing to lose themselves in your delusional world.

I don’t want to be that person any longer. And yeah, I get it, this is not how it works. I can’t just push you or conjure you away, and hiding from you has never really worked either. You’ll possibly show up again, when I need you the least.

Great.

So what am I doing with you next, dear heaviness?

Allowing my anger to flow and curse a bit has helped. Expressing my frustration is the way to deal with you, way better than silencing myself or staying passively on the receiving end. But I’m not done with it yet. Or with you. There is too much energy inside of me.

I know that all the theoretical approaches, like writing, talking, reflecting and thereby physically bathing in the same mental state only brings me so far, and that I’ve had much more success recently with activities where my “clever” brain, including you, can’t make itself important. Because when I’m colouring a few mandalas or dancing my ass off in my room or with others, I’m regaining the option to express and respond.

Sure, I am still receptive to your stupid questions that have never gotten me anywhere and won’t in the future.

But then I’m less at your mercy

That’s why I will stop right here and start a dance session at home. It’s raining anyway. And similar to these heavy clouds pouring down and releasing their accumulated energies, I’m allowing myself to listen and feel what my body wants to release and dance with.

Oh, and because you’re already here – I guess you’ll just come with me, right? I just found myself in the driver’s seat again.

Enjoy the dance.

Do you feel heaviness right now?

If you are feeling stuck, whatever it may be – overwhelm, fear, worry or insecurity – I’d like to invite you to express it all in a way that is available to you right now. Perhaps you can open up to the idea that there is energy that you are capable to express, dance with or shake off. And ultimately find ease in it.

Why not try to dance with that energy? Dancing has brought me so much joy and calm that I wish I had started much earlier.

However, we’re not here to think about the decisions we made or didn’t make, but about the decisions that lie ahead of us. Like trying it out in the here and now, with the help of this wonderful musical journey.

May both you and the heaviness you feel enjoy the dance. 🤗